Sleep and I aren’t the best of friends at the moment. I’ve got a couple of things going on and they aren’t a quick fix. One, I had to get off my old antidepressant and start up a new one. That’s never an easy transition regardless of the medications. On top of that I’ve apparently been diagnosed with some kind of panic disorder that only hits when I try to sleep. We’ve tried combating this with basically a tranquilizer to settle me down enough to sleep. Some nights this month its worked like a charm. Other nights, not so much. I’m going to get on another new medication next month, but we’re still a few days away from that. I couldn’t get on it while the switch over from one medication to the other was happening. So that brings us to tonight.
I was…well am… exhausted. Getting to sleep was easy. Staying asleep was not. The best way I can describe what was going on was no matter what type of daydream or regular dream I put myself into or found myself in, there was this overwhelming feeling of oppression that just weighed down on me until I woke up. It wasn’t a nightmare. It could have been a beautiful field of flowers on a clear day that any other person would find relaxing and calming, but all I felt was that oppression. There wasn’t anything to fight off, it was just there and I couldn’t feel it but it overwhelmed me. So I’d slip in and out of sleep for awhile.
I had gone to bed first and Grace joined me after about an hour of me sleeping in fits. I’ve talked about the feeling of peace I get with Grace when I hold her close before, so I got the idea that maybe if I slept close to her that might be enough to calm things down. We were back to back for a little while but she eventually rolled over and cuddled with me. And I just melted. She started to touch my chest under my shirt so I tossed the shirt I was wearing and my underwear. The whole exercise had mixed results because while I found the peace I was after and that oppressive feeling abated, I really didn’t want to leave the moment I was in with Grace so that sort of woke me up. There wasn’t anything sexual to it, just… it was so very nice. Like being wrapped in love. And whatever she wanted to do to me I was okay with. I realized that at that moment, all my walls that I build were gone. I was completely vulnerable to her. In those fleeting moments where we laid together like that, I was her submissive.
The moment didn’t last long. I realized I was keeping her up and I needed to re-wind down to try to sleep again so I convinced her to roll over and go to sleep. She wasn’t up for experimenting with me in that position anyway, which is probably for the best. I think just that one moment of being vulnerable to my beloved wife was the special thing. Anything else might have ruined the purity of that. It was special and gives me more insight into how she looks at the world and that is always a good thing. The loss of sleep to gain what I gained was a bargain I’d pay most any day.