I was raised by a very proper Southern woman who taught me how to be a “good boy”. And one of the things you do as a good boy is never, ever, ever hit a woman. You see where this is going considering the nature of the blog. As Grace and I enter into this new area of our lives where flogging, caning, and paddling will become more and more normal functions of who and what we are, its caused me to reevaluate my personal stance on sadism. The line that I have been towing has always been that I’m not a sadist, I just enjoy giving Grace pleasure and it just so happens that she likes pain. Take away that pleasure part of the pain that give and it wouldn’t be appealing to me. But is that true? We have different levels of what I guess could be called pain play. The low end is just playful and laughing is not unheard of in this end of the spectrum. Especially me. And not the evil laugh. Just the good laugh you get at watching your love one in a playful situation. That end of the pool is full of light, you can clearly see the bottom of the pool, and its not very deep.
But there is the other end of the pool that we venture into now and again. Its dark. You can’t tell how deep it is and the emotion is… hollow is the first word that pops into my head but its wrong. Everything is very pinpoint. For me, its emotionless. I tend to go about my work in a clinical fashion with only some vague framework in mind. Ironically its usually art. How red can I make an area? Can I make it look like she has a sunburn? Can I “paint” red wings on her cheeks? I know it sounds whimsical but its really not. I don’t smile. I don’t show any real emotion. I get very focused and do what I want to her because I can and if I talk it is to remind her of that fact. I’m usually quiet. I like how heavy the silence can get in those situations.
There exists, though, a buffer between what I view as me being a sadist and me pleasuring my sub as a Dom. And that is the pain is almost always followed by sexual gratification for me. Sure there are the occasional maintenance spankings where all I do is spank her and move on, but those are very shallow encounters. What’s going to happen when I push Grace sadistically and there won’t be sex at the end? Understand that the scenes I’m thinking about now are going to be marathon sessions like the one with Talia. I’m talking about abusing her for an hour, or two, or maybe even three. At the end of it, she’s going to be fried. She’s going to need aftercare. She’s not going to be able to function in a manner where I could use her in a responsible manner. Oh, I could. I own her after all and she’d do it. But because I own her there are certain responsibilities I must always take into consideration and her overall well being and her emotional state are parts of that. Where will I be at the end of one of those marathon sessions? With Talia I watched a lot. It wasn’t me inflicting the damage therefore it wasn’t me receiving the majority of the topdrop that will hit at some point. It certainly did with Talia as she wanted to make sure Grace was doing well afterwards and made a clear point of having Grace keep in touch with her in the following days so that Talia could have that reassurance.
So its something I’ve been thinking about. Is the line I’ve always towed just that, a line? Am I going to find that the sadistic streak that has come out once or twice before in Grace’s and my’s history really a huge part of me? And if so, what does that change if anything? I guess the thing that scares me the most is I’m not actually scared about that question. I’m just curious. Which I suppose should clue me into what the probably outcome is going to be. But we’ll see. First of the month I’m ordering some floggers. I plan on using them before I go back into the hospital sometime early in April for my left hip.