This is going to be an analogy story, so bear with me. When you wake up in the morning, you have “X” amount of energy. You also have “Y” amount of energy as a reserve. Its that energy you get when you think to yourself something like “I just have to dig a little deeper to get this done”. For the sake of simplifying things, lets convert “energy” into “toothpicks”. So you wake up and you have 100 toothpicks to get you through the day. Seems like a lot. And to most people, it is. But a lot of the things that may cost you zero toothpicks, cost me at least one or two. By the time I get up out of bed, shower, brush my teeth, shave, and get dressed I could already be done 20 toothpicks. If I’m having an especially bad day, it could go higher. Now, when you need to, you can also borrow toothpicks from the next day. But then you obviously are going to have less to work with the next day. I’ve been doing a lot of borrowing lately. And its caught up with me.
Its a tough thing to try to rally yourself to get something done and just not finding anything left within you to rally with. Its demoralizing on a lot of different fronts. Its something that I never really had to contend with until the last few years. And I’ll admit that since the operation I’ve had a lot more good days then bad, which has been a pleasant change. But to hit the point I’m at now where everything is a struggle is disheartening. The depression is secondary to the overall fatigue. The desire is there. There’s just nothing to fuel it at the moment. I borrowed day after day to get everything done that I’ve been getting done. And I’m proud of all that I’ve been accomplishing lately. But dear God do I hate this feeling.
I know my sleep has been screwed up and I know that’s a big contributor to this. I’ve had some sort of weird anxiety going on every time I try to sleep. I’ve only just gotten it somewhat under control and thought it was enough to combat the fatigue, but apparently not. I’m going to see the doctor the first of the month to try to figure this out because I don’t want any more days like this. And I’m afraid that I’m not going to bounce back from where I am very quickly. So I don’t know whether to be cautious and rest or to try to shake it off tomorrow and get back on track. When you have joint issues, that question always seems to be on your mind. You never really know when you need to do one or the other.
Anyway, this post has mainly been me thinking this through and sorting it out in my head. Sometimes I do that better by journaling. Hopefully after some sleep I won’t be so damn emo.