I’m not a sadist. I don’t like pain… really at all. Like I’ve said before, I deal with it enough during the day to bring it with me to something I want to enjoy. Grace, on the other hand, loves pain. Well, to a point she does. You would think it would be difficult to reconcile the two, but it wasn’t. It was really, really easy for me. Sadists get off on other’s pain. Me? I just have fun with it.
First off, I know what I’m doing to Grace is causing her pleasure. Even when it hurts a lot, she’s getting off on it. Its that reason, and that reason alone, that allows me the freedom to give her pain. And make no mistake, its a giving experience. Its something she wants, its within my power to give it to her, so I do. But that’s not reason enough to do it. If its uncomfortable to me in anyway its not going to work. That falls back into the whole being honest with each other and yourself thing. So why do it? Because I find the entire thing mildly humorous. Seriously. I don’t approach it as a joke, don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty freaking serious about it especially given what all could go wrong if you are careless. But there is a sadistic glee about me when I’m hurting her.
So lets take a standard scene as an example. Grace likes to have her nipples tortured a bit. As an aside, I’ve gotten quite good at it. I even have this “special” thing I do where I twist the nipple as far to the right as I can and hold it there for a very long time. Just when I feel she might be getting used to the pain, I’ll suddenly twist the nipple to the left in a rapid motion that ends with me letting go of the nipple. So the pain gets doubled up. There’s the pain of it being twisted in a new direction plus the pain of what happens when you let go of the nipple and all the blood can suddenly come rushing back in filling those nice pain receptors full of renewed energy. Its quite delicious. Anyway, lets say I’m twisting that nipple. Now, what I don’t want to do is try to figure out if her pain is over the red threshold. If I obsess over putting her in too much pain I’m not going to push her far enough because I’ll always be too scared to go too far. So I just watch her face and marvel at the absurdity of it all. Here she is, in obvious pain, but if I reach a finger down I’m going to find her dripping wet. And if I whisper “Cum” in her ear, she’s going to cum, hard. I wouldn’t call it funny, because its not. But its fun to watch. Its why I wasn’t upset at her the day she started laughing while I was hurting her. I just upped the pain and watched her laugh harder. I had an absolute blast doing that.
That’s not to say that I don’t sometimes channel anger into those scenes and go a bit darker. I do that from time to time. Usually its when I have a very clear idea of exactly what I want to do and exactly how to do it. The only observation I do on Grace in these times is making sure she’s okay with what all I’m doing. Today was one of those times. I knew what I wanted, prepared for it, and then did it. It didn’t go exactly the way I wanted it, but that happens from time to time. I still got what I wanted to get accomplished though. In this case I wanted to restrict Grace’s hands a little more then usual. So I got an old belt and put some new notches in it to use as a restraint. That, by the way, worked very well. Almost too well as Grace attempted to get out of them and shoved them so far up her wrists that they were a bit lodged, but I can fix that. After I restrained her, I laid her face down on the bed and got a few toys. I started to spank her with a belt, but that wasn’t going well for whatever reason. Either my aim was off or her head wasn’t geared for that today. Rather then constantly dealing with that issue, I switched to spanking with my hand with one addition. I have a vibrator that’s supposed to be for your neck. I lodged that puppy between her legs and turned it on so that it was happily humming away while I spanked her. I had greater control of where the spanks actually hit this way and I think her head space was bettered tuned towards it. Once I had it nice and red and agitated, I pulled the vibrator away and got out one of the small butt plugs. I’m training Grace’s ass to handle my cock. A fact she’s absolutely going to LOVE that I’m sharing with you. Once it was in place, I laid on top of her and got her into a head space where she could think that it was my cock in her ass and not the plug. Her hands were still tied together so whatever leverage she might have been able to get was mostly gone. All of that, all of it, was to set up what I did next. And I’m kind of happy she thinks it was the best part, I wasn’t sure if it would be or not. I whispered into her ear, “I’m not going to tell you to cum. If you want to cum, cum. That way you can’t blame me for getting off on this. If you don’t want to cum, don’t.” She came like 5 or 6 times. It was incredibly humiliating to her, which of course turned her on more. All through that, though, I was grim. I was completely focused on the task at hand. That’s really as close to sadism as I get, and its not that close.
In the end, it was her pleasure that gets me off. I love finding the buttons to push to bring her fantasies into reality or to at least tap into them. Sometimes its about me, sure. But those scenes tend to not include pain or if they do, very little. Like sometimes I like to twist her nipple or spank her while she sucks my cock. I like the vibrations her mouth does as she tries to stifle making noise because I’ve told her to keep her lips on my cock at all times, no matter what. But really that goes back to being more of a fun activity then anything dark and truly sadistic. So the answer to how I approach sadism is…I don’t. You can put what I do into a sadistic category if you want to, but to me sadism is more about intent then anything else. A person could spank lighter then I do, hurt their sub less then I do, but if their intent is to make the other suffer for their own personal gratification that makes them a sadist in my book. That’s not me.