I don’t pretend to know the exact feelings a sub has when they are in pain. I know some surface feelings, sure. But the exact place their mind goes is not something I can probably easily comprehend. Pain to them is something jarring. It pushes them. Its like a giant wave that crashes down upon them and sweeps them someplace else. They are helpless to it and surrender to it. The helpless part I get. Surrending not so much. Pain to me is a constant. Even when I am not aware of it, it is there. I have to watch for signs that my body is not doing as well as I think it is or else I will pay a heavy toll for my ignorance. As I have said before, my body is a very cruel Dom.
There are moments, though, that I probably come close to feeling what a sub feels. I was put on disability at the ripe old age of 33. On a logical level I know it was the right choice. But there are always doubts that I should not be on it. That I should be trying to work. That I should be doing more then I already do around the house. Logic almost never triumphs over self doubts. But there are times when the pain overwhelms me. The walls that I build in my mind to hold the pain out simply give out and the only thing I can feel is pain. Usually when this occurs I will be up all night trying to exhaust myself to sleep. Finally, sometime between 5 and 7 am, I will get up and take a hot shower to try to get my back to loosen up. There, in the shower, surrounded by pain and praying this last thing that I can try to help actually works, I am at peace with myself. There are no regrets for the choices I have made, there are no doubts. Only pain and peace. In those moments I will stay under that hot shower until I drain the hot water heater dry because I do not want that moment to ever end. I spend my days blocking out the pain, but the only time I feel good about it is when its all I can feel. In those moments, pain is my security blanket and I carry it around much as Linus carried his. That’s as close as I can get to understanding the relationship between pain and pleasure besides watching it on my Grace’s face.