Connecting Through Pain

Posted: 18th March 2012 by Duality in Dynamics, Pain

There’s a certain perspective that you get when you deal with pain every day.  It kind of throws you off into another world almost where people try to imagine what kind of pain you are in and can’t.  And I used to be in that other world.  I’d see someone in obvious pain and say the words that I now hate hearing, “I can’t imagine the type of pain you’re in”.  And I’m pretty sure I’ve already said that, when you’re in pain, you really don’t want to hear that.  But as I’ve observed others and the more I’ve learned through the sadistic streak that I’m cultivating, I think I’m beginning to see the proper way to handle those situations.

Okay, so pain is relative.  It may well be that stubbing your toe on a door can feel the same as someone else popping a thumb out of joint or their shoulder.  Everyone is different and everyone’s body sends pain signals differently.  And they’re processed differently.  And beyond that, some people just tolerate pain better than others.  So if everyone rated pain on a scale of 1 to 10 and you and someone else both felt pain at say 5, that doesn’t mean you both feel the same thing.  Their 5 could be a 2 to you.  Or an 8.  So trying to figure out the pain someone is feeling is just an exercise in futility.

So, what should you do?  You connect with them.  You may not know what pain they are in, but you can see what the pain is doing to them.  Are they hurting so bad they can’t get out of bed?  Chances are, you’ve been there.  Or close to their at least.  You see what the pain is doing to them and you connect with that.  You humanize that.  You connect with them with that.  If they come back angry that you compared the two, then chances are they’re angry at their situations and nothing you can say will change that.  So don’t bother.  But chances are good that they want to know someone else has been there.  Someone else made it to the other side of what they’re facing.  That’s what they want.  Assurance.  Hope.  What they already have plenty of is anything that is unknown.  So throwing one more unknown at them isn’t really going to help anybody.  Because, trust me, they don’t know how to describe the pain to you anymore then you know what their pain is.

The reason I went through all of this is to set up what I really wanted to talk about.  How I spank Grace in different headspaces.  Depending on each of ours moods, the spankings can go hard and they can go softer.  If she’s being her almost bratty self, they tend to be hard.  She wants to struggle against me to keep control while I overpower her.  But, if she’s sort of in little girl mode, the spankings are softer.  The difference being is that if you walked into the room during the softer spankings, you’d think I was torturing her.  She isn’t trying to hold onto control there.  She’s attempting to revel in losing it.  Its a complete 180 from when she’s bratty.  Bratty Grace tries to remain still.  Little Grace, or Livvie as we refer to her then, flails around saying things like “No no no, stop please, it hurts”.  Her alter ego would of course remain silent.  Or try to be anyway.  The point being, she processes pain differently depending on which mode she’s in.

I know how hard to hit her because I connect with her pain.  I, usually, start slow and build up.  I watch how she reacts to the force of the hits and adjust accordingly.  When you’re a Dom, you can never just get into a routine.  You can’t just follow a script to the letter.  You have to watch.  You have to process the information that your sub gives you as she reacts to the stimulus you present her with.  And the stimulus can come in the form of pain, or words, or even just staring at her in silence.  Every action you make as a Dom is a question that your sub will answer in one form or another.  You take those actions and you build around them towards whatever it is you want to build towards.

Anyway, there’s a glimpse inside of one Dominant’s mind at least and how I do things.  Or, perhaps more importantly, how I perceive them.