Faith Rewarded

Posted: 23rd January 2012 by Duality in History

I’ve mentioned a couple of times a sort of dark period for Grace and I.  I’m still not going to go into the events that brought about the end of it and caused the current golden age that we are both now enjoy, but I figured I would talk about how I coped with the times that weren’t so great.

Just a recap on the things covered elsewhere:  Grace has social anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder.  Some of this is genetics.  The vast majority of this comes from a family that could kindly be described as dysfunctional.  Grace simply didn’t have a lot of the social tools that many people take for granted.  So, there’s your background on that.

Grace and I met online and I was immediately drawn to her.  Because of my own… oh lets call them growing up eccentricities, I tend to be drawn to women who are wounded emotionally and are submissive.  If you want to go all Jung on this (because Freud was an idiot), then you’d ironically have to lay the blame on my mother.  Which should make Freud laugh in my face.  Anyway, even via just text messaging back and forth with her in the game we played, I could tell she was the type I was drawn to.  I was in another relationship at the time, but I still took Grace under my wing and began to help her.  We sort of had a faux bdsm relationship.  It was all done over text and occasionally over the phone.  Most of it was centered around getting her life on track.  She had just moved into her house and all her belongings were still mostly boxed.  She was just stuck where she was.  I used the structure of bdsm to get her organized and moving.  It didn’t take long to get Grace going in the right direction.  She got her driver’s license.  She went back to school.  And when the relationship I was in ended, Grace flew out to visit me to see if the chemistry was the same in person.  Obviously, it was.  For a time, things were really good.

That lasted until some time after I moved up here to live my life with her.  Her family really didn’t like someone else interfering with their influence over Grace and she quickly found herself trapped between two worlds.  The one she loved with me and the one she hated but felt obligated to be a part of with her family.  Bit by bit, the ground that we had gained was lost and Grace fell further and further into depression.  It didn’t take long for us to shelve our bdsm lifestyle and eventually all sex.

There are a lot of people who would have run at this point.  Things were breaking down between Grace and I.  She was getting more and more irritated and more withdrawn with each day.  It was not a pleasant experience.  But I knew Grace.  And I understood the situation.  And, perhaps most importantly, I understood that all the problems that were coming down on top of her were not of my doing.  I wasn’t adding to it one bit.  Because I knew Grace and understood the situation, I knew that eventually she would figure things out.  She would eventually figure out just how much of a cancer her family was and that the only way to get well again was to amputate the parts that were just too diseased to continue to carry with you.  But I also understood that I couldn’t tell her that.  I couldn’t make that argument.  Because then it would pit me against her family.  So I did the hardest thing I ever really had to do.  I sat there and took it.  Every passive aggressive insult thrown my way, I ignored or pretended as if I didn’t catch.  Whenever the family was becoming too overbearing on Grace, I’d interject and make myself the target of whatever the Hell they were upset with that day.  I really can’t emphasize enough what a bunch of nut cases most of these people are.  Her mother being the worst.  Its not that she lies.  Its that she got a divorce from reality.  She no longer has any relationship to it.  Whenever reality does stumble into her life, it doesn’t take her long for her to rewrite history and fix that problem.  And I had to let Grace make her own way through this offering only small bits of advice here and there.  Any more then that and I’d get sucked into the sick game her family was playing.  Grace had to do this on her own.  Really, it sucked.

But again, I knew Grace.  And I knew how valuable she was.  How special she was.  How simply amazing she was.  It wasn’t her fault she got dealt this horrible hand in life.  She had played it to the best of her ability and the fact that she wasn’t sitting in an asylum somewhere on as much lithium as they could pump into someone legally is a testament to her will as well as the goodness of her nature.  My parents, especially my mother, universally hated all of my previous girlfriends and especially the woman I married before Grace.  Hated.  The best I could ever get out of them was, “If you’re happy, we’re happy”.  When they met Grace for the first time and they got a minute alone with me where she was out of the room, I was told to not bother coming home again unless I married that girl.  THAT is how wonderful a soul Grace is.  People meet her and just want to protect her and be close to her.  And through some cosmic happenstance, she chose me to be her lover, her best friend, and her soul mate.

All through this dark time Grace would ask me if we would ever get back to the way things were.  I would always answer yes with so much conviction that she would immediately ask how I knew that.  Its because of everything I listed above.  I know her.  I knew what she was going through.  And I knew she had what it took to make it to the other side and what kind of a person she would be once she did finally make it there.  It took years for this to happen.  But I always knew my faith would be rewarded.