Hotel Stories 4 (Fun at the Pool)

Posted: 20th January 2012 by Duality in Hotel Stories

Ah hotel pools.  A beacon to many a weary traveler.  And a temptation to do naughty things at 3 am when you don’t realize there’s a security camera watching you.  The first story under this topic takes place under those exact circumstances.  The hotel I was in had an indoor pool that was just down the hallway from the front desk.  The security camera gives a pretty good view of the entire area, which when you’re working night audit is a nice thing.  Kept me from constantly patrolling the halls.  So there I am, doing paperwork, when I look up and see a couple getting pretty hot and heavy in the pool.  Now I tend to be a fairly liberal minded guy.  I don’t mind you having some fun.  But I really didn’t want to treat the damn hot tub after these two got done.  So I get up and decide just to walk by and let them know they are being watched.  Except they have a lookout who warns them and so when I get to the pool, everything is normal.  Now, a normal person would see the hotel clerk come wandering by once and think to themselves that they are having some rotten luck.  By the third time I walked by, a sane individual would figure out, “Hey, maybe he can see us”.  But no.  By the time I’d get back to my desk, they’d go at it again.  So I go down and politely say that the pool isn’t clothing optional and sometimes we’ll have the very odd parent who wants to take their kid swimming at 3 am (happened more times then you’d think) and I’d appreciate it if they wouldn’t perform their extracurricular activities.  They stared me straight in the eye and told me they had no idea what I was talking about.  At this point, I’m just at that “Whatever” stage and go sit back and just watch the show.  I even popped popcorn.  Why?  Because these idiots were staying in a room that forced them to walk right in front of me on their way back to their room.  For a couple who had no problem fucking each other’s brains out in a public area, they certainly turned about 5 shades of red when they walked by and realized I had a front row show for their performance.

Now when I tell people I work audit at hotels that have pools I get the obligatory, “I bet you’ve seen your share of people going at it”.  Yeah, I have.  But what you need to understand is that the couple in the story above were very much the exception to the rule.  Most of the people I’ve caught fucking in the pool were not very pleasant to look at.  One couple I caught caused me to have a thought process something like this:

What is that guy doing?  Oh wait, there’s somebody in front of him I think.  Another guy.  Are they wrestling?  Wait, that’s not a guy.  Dear Lord that woman needs to shave her back.  I think I’ll just make some loud noise so I don’t have to see what the front looks like.

Teenagers are also drawn to the pool.  We had an outdoor pool at one hotel I worked at that we would close around 10 or so at night.  There was a subdivision that literally was across the street in the back of the hotel and we’d get the odd kids who would jump the fence and go swimming.  I kind of got tired of catching a particular pair every other week so I decided to fuck with them.  Instead of going up all mad, I walk up to the fence smiling and laughing a little.  Here’s what happened:

Kids:  Okay, you caught us.  We’ll get out.

Me:  No no.  You two stay in that water as long as you like.  So long as you understand we aren’t liable for what is going to happen to you.

Kids:  Um, what?

Me:  See, we treated the pool tonight with some pretty harsh chemicals.  I’m surprised you didn’t smell it.

Kids: (who are now scratching their skin) What kind of chemicals?

Me:  Well its the monthly shock.  Its designed to flush out any critters who are living in the system as well as eroding the residue that’s built up.  Kind of like an acid.

At this point the kids turn pale white, jump the fence, and haul ass.  I assume they both jumped in the nearest shower.  I can be evil at times.

The last story is also in the teenage category.  You can also file this one under “Don’t fuck with the night audit”.  It was spring break and we had a bunch of kids partying in the hotel.  Its somewhere between 2 and 3 in the morning and I’ve gotten yet another noise complaint about the indoor pool.  This isn’t the same hotel so there’s a bit of a walk involved and we sadly had no cameras at this place.  Now I’ve gone down and told the kids already to turn down the music.  This is warning number two.  So I go in, explain that if I got another noise complaint they wouldn’t be seeing me.  They’d be seeing the cops.  I know these kids are under age and I know they’ve got alcohol.  So I assumed they’d understand the threat.  They give me lip service, I turn around, reach for the handle to the door, and the little bastards turn their boombox they brought to the pool all the way up.  They didn’t even wait for me to leave.  Well, okay then.  I’m on a first name basis with the local cops anyway due to all the domestic nonsense I put up with.  Time to give my buddies a call.

What followed next is a tale of stupidity that truly boggles the mind.  Not only was their underage drinking, not only was there a few idiots who had girls with them that under the laws of the state constituted statutory rape, not only did a couple of the morons have marijuana on them at the pool when the cops showed up, one of the idiots that they arrested kicked out the back window on a police cruiser and made a run for it while the cops were up searching a room.  This idiot is running around, handcuffed, with a horde of now very pissed off police officers after him.  Seriously, I was struck speechless at the sheer stupidity of this group.  If Charles Darwin had met these kids he would have shot them all in the head for the betterment of the human race.  To top it all off, one of the kids was a son of a local judge that apparently is a hard ass in court to the police officers when they go in to testify for speeding tickets and the like.   The judge had thought his son was someplace else, so when his SUV turned up missing, he reported it stolen.  So he got booked for possession of drugs, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and grand theft auto.  The cops knew they couldn’t get the last one to stick, but they wanted to really give it to the asshole judge.  That made the cops’ night.

Anyway, next time you’re at a hotel and think about getting into a pool, just remember these stories.  There really is no telling what all has taken place in that cement pond.