Posted: 4th December 2011 by Duality in Pain, What's Happening

My nervous system isn’t wired right.  Its just one of the many joyous things wrong with my body.  The vast majority of the time it takes the form of amplifying pain or causing my muscles to knot up in my back and neck.  On occasion it will cause anxiety.  And once every couple of months or so it really goes haywire.  I’ll lay down to go to sleep and my mind will tell me someone is in the house.  Every little noise in the house becomes part of this delusion.  Having a cat roaming about doesn’t help with it either.  I know when this happens that my nerves are firing off in a nasty manner and there usually is a great deal of physical pain that is also going on while my brain is screwing with me.  When this happens I don’t tend to sleep.  Sometimes, if I have one available, I’ll take something similar to Valium and it soothes things down.  But most of the time all I can do is ride it out and either exhaust myself or wait for the nerves to calm the Hell down.

Ironically the absolute worst episode I ever had with this was so bad that it actually looped around to being good.  I was so thoroughly convinced that I was about to die that I took stock of my life, came to peace with it, and went to sleep.  It was an interesting episode that left me a little changed.  I really did come to peace with a lot of things that night.  Oh I have regrets, but at the end of the day I played the right cards given the context of the situation that was going on at the time more times then not.  And, really, what else can you do with life but do that?  I’ve tried escalating the kind of terror attacks I’ve had since then to get them to that point, but its never worked again.

It doesn’t take much of a guess to realize I’m dealing with an episode right now.  I’m kind of hoping talking it through to myself via the blog will help logic away the anxiety, but I don’t think it will.  This feeling only really hits me when I try to shut down and sleep.  Sitting awake here in the dark save the light from the computer monitor doesn’t bother me.  I know what’s going on and I know no one is in the house.  Really drives me crazy that as soon as I try to close my eyes that feeling comes back.  Ah well, more icy hot and nerve medication and hope that this ends soon.