The Wall

Posted: 19th September 2011 by Duality in Dynamics, Pain

Both Grace and I have talked about building a wall against pain.  We both build them, but that’s about the only similarity between the two.  They both have different structures, different strengths, different weaknesses, and really different purposes.  But because we both build them, we understand each other better for it.  Once again, that duality of pain comes into play.

Grace builds her walls against pain much like someone building a sandbag wall outside their home does  to keep out flood waters.  Its not built to be permanent and its not built to withstand pressure for very long.  The psychology at play here resolves around wanting pain to build up to a specific level before it bursts through.  That’s not to say she won’t allow pain to build slowly ever so often.  But when she just wants to feel pain, to have it be as harsh as possible, she’ll fortify her mind to withstand it, but only up to a point.  Once that point is reached, all the pain she had been ignoring comes crashing down on her all at once.  She wants that feeling of being overwhelmed.  Actually, she goes beyond wanting it and just by God needing it.  She needs to feel helpless and when pain hits a certain point, about all you can do is thrash around and helplessly try to stop it.  There’s no subspace involved here that I can detect.  Its the opposite.  And the worse pain she’s in, the harder she cums when I tell her to.  There’s no need to touch her sexually when she’s like that.  In fact, I could inflict the pain anywhere on her body and she’d have the same reaction.  It doesn’t have to be on her ass.  I really think the red ass is more of a mark of pride for her.  It shows what she endured and she is reminded of it for awhile afterwards as she sits down.

Now my dams are more akin to the Hoover Dam.  They are firm, permanent structures that I’m constantly adding to and strengthening.  My pain doesn’t go away, it just ebbs like tidal waters.  The more pressure the dam gets put under, the more brainpower it takes to shore it up to make sure it doesn’t break.  And perhaps the biggest difference between our dams is the difference in what happens if they break.  Hers is an almost liberating experience with sexual undertones.  When my dam breaks, I break with it.  When you invest that much mental fortitude into keeping something in place you have to assume the risk of that part of your mind breaking along with the dam when it does burst.  The dynamics of the dam breaking are the same, all the pain you’ve been holding back washes over you…its just that her dam has been holding pain back for about 5 or 10 minutes (sometimes more…but not often) where as mine can hold in place for years.  Its not pretty when I get overwhelmed.  I really don’t function very well.  I can’t think straight and my emotional mood is like PMS on steroids.  I can laugh uncontrollably, I can cry, I can be very angry, feel extreme guilt… its really all over the place.  About all I can do at that point is to double up my pain, nerve,  and anti-inflammatory medications as well as pop a valium type medication Grace has and just try to sleep.  I need rest to be able to rebuild what got broken.  If that doesn’t work I try to have Grace tell me to stay put in bed and not to get up.  I say try because I’m a stubborn idiot when I’m in a lot of pain.  Grace, there’s no need to agree in the comment section.  I just admitted it.  Just saying.

But because I understand how my own walls work, it allows me to better break down Grace’s walls.  It helps me understand where the cracks are and where to best apply pressure.  Because Grace understands how her own walls work, it allows her to better understand what I go through when it happens to me.  She knows that I’m not thinking right and she treats me with a great deal of patience because of it.  And really, that’s what I need more then anything in those times, a lot more then even empathy.  I’m going to get things nailed back down again, I just need time.  She knows that will happen and is patient and understanding towards me until it does.  And I’ve been a real son of a bitch to her on a couple of occasions.  Its another reason why she and I coexist so well.  Our strengths and weaknesses line up, sure, but its also the fact that life has done things to each of us that gives us insight into one another’s wounds.  I define wisdom as either screwing up enough to understand what you’re doing wrong or surviving what life throws at you.  If that definition is true, then she and I have a great deal of wisdom to share with one another.