Focus

Posted: 27th August 2011 by Duality in Dynamics, History

So I’m a gamer.  I jokingly refer to myself as an O.G.  Original gamer.  I played Pong.  I’ve played on every console starting with Atari either by owning it or playing at a friend’s house.  And I played on the old TI-99 and Commodore 64.  I played the Hell out of my Commodore.  Grace even got me a T-shirt that has the old Atari joystick and the word, “Represent!” on it.  I love that shirt.  These days I’m pretty much strictly on the computer.  When people find out that I’m both disabled and play World of Warcraft they seem to think I spend 10 hours a day, at least, doing that.  Yeah… not so much.  Maybe in a week I’ll do that.  Maybe.

The problem with pain blocking is it doesn’t allow your brain to really stay on target on tasks for very long.  You just burn out if you are having to think a lot about what you are doing.  Games have become my sort of recreational drug of choice to help with pain management though.  If I’m focused intently on a game then I’m not noticing the pain as much.  But like I said, I can’t do it for very long usually.  So I cycle through different games and tend to lean towards those that have repeatable tasks in them.  That allows me to go on auto-pilot and I can focus longer on it.  My Dad smokes cigarettes to help him through the day (though he has recently discovered Civilization which shocks me to find that he likes playing it) and I do video games.

The lack of focus that I have on a day to day basis makes planning things as a Dom difficult.  Memory is tied into that because without focus you just don’t have the resolve to remember anything.  I’m going to try to start writing key words down to help jog my memory more I think.  That way it keeps what Grace might find out about it to an absolute minimum.  Long term planning has always been problematic for me.  I just don’t look into the future very well.  And when I say that, understand I’m not talking about having some sort of anxiety about the future.  I’m talking about literally just not thinking about it.  That’s tied in to the previous post where I discuss the crazy crap that went on around me when I was very young.  It sort of damaged that part of me and caused me to be more of a here and now kind of person.  It has its pros and cons.  For example, I don’t worry about the future as its not something I can see.  Literally those worries just sort of roll off of me.  If you bring it up to me I might worry about it.  But once that moment is over its flies out of my head.  Its why Google Calender has been such a godsend to me.  My parents have been married 40 years, of which I have been alive for 38 and if you asked me what their anniversary was I’d get it wrong.  You can see where long term planning gets hard.

The biggest thing I’m planning for in the future, that I can discuss since Grace reads this, is Grace regaining her ability to wear a collar.  Once upon a time she had one.  Then life went to crap for her and she stopped wearing it.  For her to wear one again she will have to feel worthy enough to wear one.  I could press the subject, but I’m not.  I want that moment to be special.  I don’t want that moment to be me arguing with her and convincing her of anything.  The moment should be about completion and that is just something you can’t throw together.