Pain as a blanket

Posted: 18th August 2011 by Duality in Dynamics, Pain

I don’t pretend to know the exact feelings a sub has when they are in pain.  I know some surface feelings, sure.  But the exact place their mind goes is not something I can probably easily comprehend.  Pain to them is something jarring.  It pushes them.  Its like a giant wave that crashes down upon them and sweeps them someplace else.  They are helpless to it and surrender to it.  The helpless part I get.  Surrending not so much.  Pain to me is a constant.  Even when I am not aware of it, it is there.  I have to watch for signs that my body is not doing as well as I think it is or else I will pay a heavy toll for my ignorance.  As I have said before, my body is a very cruel Dom.

There are moments, though, that I probably come close to feeling what a sub feels.  I was put on disability at the ripe old age of 33.  On a logical level I know it was the right choice.  But there are always doubts that I should not be on it.  That I should be trying to work.  That I should be doing more then I already do around the house.  Logic almost never triumphs over self doubts.  But there are times when the pain overwhelms me.  The walls that I build in my mind to hold the pain out simply give out and the only thing I can feel is pain.  Usually when this occurs I will be up all night trying to exhaust myself to sleep.  Finally, sometime between 5 and 7 am, I will get up and take a hot shower to try to get my back to loosen up.  There, in the shower, surrounded by pain and praying this last thing that I can try to help actually works, I am at peace with myself.  There are no regrets for the choices I have made, there are no doubts.  Only pain and peace.  In those moments I will stay under that hot shower until I drain the hot water heater dry because I do not want that moment to ever end.  I spend my days blocking out the pain, but the only time I feel good about it is when its all I can feel.  In those moments, pain is my security blanket and I carry it around much as Linus carried his.  That’s as close as I can get to understanding the relationship between pain and pleasure besides watching it on my Grace’s face.